jb.redeemed

51 Percent

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It feels like I may be getting what I want...

But what's more sure and solid is that the Lord is certainly moving on what He knows I need.

What's definitely true through all speculation is that He is faithful to me and to all of us.

What's absolute is that He is Faithful and True... and as we place our trust in Him, we shall not be put to shame.

Faith over fear, sure.

Faith over ideals, also.

_________________________
jb.redeemed
email me at jibee@rocketmail.com.

May the Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord make His face shine on you and be gracious to you. May the Lord lift His countenance upon you and give you His Shalom. - Numbers 6:24-26

A Realization

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God is her Refuge too.

God is her very present help in trouble.

And He doesn’t need me to be the middleman.

Be still.

He is God.

He is with her.

He is with me.

Sober

Well.. I feel like I had too much coffee to drink, earlier today.

I've posted once, twice, even thrice on the official blog, and I just remembered, hey, I still have this old one.

But what's to say here that couldn't be said on the other blog?

I dunno. I suppose we should just continue to be thankful.

Looking at the previous posts I made last October 2024... well, I could go ahead and give in to those feelings again, but I suppose it's come to a point that I've realized that I'm loving Maria now by just living my life and not imposing myself on her or the thought of her. In fact, I feel pretty bad that I absolutely insisted on my emotions and feelings, without giving her any consideration.

I don't know if this is counterproductive to be sharing this online. I guess one way or the other, it was bound to come out anyway.

Through all this, I am just thankful for the faithfulness of our God, who is our Father. He keeps us sane, He holds us together.

He overflows us with grace and love so we could approach all these sorts of thoughts and emotions (that would derail just about any man) with wisdom, power, and peace.

I thank God, for just reminding me of how He's always thinking about me, ministering to me, through all the impulsions, and through all the overthinking.

I thank God for Maria, and for the fact that somewhere out there, He is taking good care of her too, and just ministering to all that concerns her, all that she's concerned about.

May the Lord be glorified in all that's going on. Amen.

'..missing hope'

"It's alright"

you said as you got me back up,

so listen I'm

thankful that you were there

I can't fly,

my whole life is tided

to missing hope

Lost in a tidal wave

Ave, Maria.

Spin Twice - Tidal Wave

Rib. Tire. Key.

You’re probably never gonna read this

But I don’t really care

I’m solid on the path to recovery

I’m doing more than my share

of writing and all sorts of coping,

invoking all I can to stay focused

The difference in grief ‘tween

now and then is enormous

But I couldn’t stay away too long

without wondering

Pondering

What was it about us that got you packing

and leaving, blocking

and closing all the legal doors of communicating?

You did it once

so many years ago

before they called it ghosting

And even back then it wasn’t so clear

why you disappeared without a trace

Was it my face?

Was it religion and religious lines

shoved day after day till you quit?

I accepted that, hell, all I did was spit

without listening,

considering your side of the story

All I insisted on was my own glory

All selfish and insensitive and ultimately boring

But again I’m asking,

just to bring us back on topic

This recent block two years ago

still rend’ring me hypnotic

Like I’m in a daze and though I know

I said I’m saying I’m moving on

I thought I’d ask just really quick,

Why did you want me gone?

I mean, you could’ve done

another magic trick with smoke and mirrors

And while the lights come back on

Im seeing white

while you exit stage right

But instead you take the extra step

to make sure you aren’t followed,

You lock and bolt the door

So I never see you another moment

No more tomorrow

And I’m left with more than just sorrow

There’s confusion

Forced reflections and fighting all illusions

Of what might have been

And now I’m not even read,

I’ll even take a ‘seen’

mode

Did you think I was too good for you? I mean, I’m sorry I’m making that assumption. Did you think there were irreconcilable differences between us? I probably would have seen them but I was willing to work together with you till we had common ground.

Or did you just think you and I were too different? We could’ve worked on it. We could have fought a lot, but I would have fought for us.

But yeah, you gave up. And not only that, you never gave me a chance.

I’m not bitter. Maybe sad. I’m thankful and grateful more times now, but times like now, the pain comes back…

And I’m either writing to nobody, or most likely praying, pouring it all out to God.

Maria, full of grace.

You’re probably never going to read this

Are you even there?

The timing was off, and I fell through

I shouldn’t insist on some care for you to spare..

Cry for help for a nonexistent soul

It shouldn’t hurt so bad

So why the hell am I still seething?

Why am I still hoping,

Even if I know for a fact that she won’t come back?

She made it clear

She doesn’t want anything to do with me

All I’ve tried she’s pushed aside

And all I’ve done is reduced to nothing

And all I’m left with are memories of all I thought we could be

And all I see is that I screwed up so badly

That I wish I could take it all back completely

Can I have a chance?

When it’s all so hopeless,

I wish I could say I’m used to the darkness

I know I could say I’m in the light

But it doesn’t feel right

Knowing that even with all my might

It’s just one man moving and not two to tango

What else can I say? What in the world do I hang on to?!

Seems as if the best way to say I love you is goodbye

Seems as if the best way to care is walk away

But I couldn’t gather myself to do so

Nor could I consider just wiping my mind

Knowing in all I find, you aren’t too far away

All I could say is it hurts

…it hurts, Maria

Far as I could pray to see you

Far as I could hope you’d reply, I know you’d

rather ignore me no matter how I miss you

Foolish I am but I can’t deny you

Or how we could’ve had something

I had you,

But I was the FOOL who never realized…

The timing.

I’m out.

Down and out.

The fool.

I’m the fool.

In Vulnerability.

'cold, isn't it?'

one moment, he said he had other things to do

the other, he held her hand.

I only pushed through with talking

and all the holding I did, was to hold back.

I thought I had everything figured out

until the moment you vanished...

...again.

I thought I could handle the loss

until the moment the doors closed...

...and all bets were off.

Until all hope was lost.

And to this day, I couldn't accept it.

Forgive me, Father.

Forgive me, blessed, dear Maria.

Still.

So I'm sharing parts 4 to 6 of Nujabes' Luv(sic) Hexalogy.. I'm really supposed to just share part 5, but (1) there wasn't a live video of just part 5 specifically, and (2) part 4 and 6 resonate to me almost as much in this season, anyway.

...Well, the 'add Youtube' function on here isn't working as well as I expected, and my HTML skills suck, so here's a link... [Live at CIRCUS TOKYO] Luv(sic) Part 4, 5, 6

...and, more importantly, here're some lyrics:

'Till death do us apart and it did

Come sudden like clouds and it hid my sun

My truth heavier than imagined, a lid die-cast in lead

On our lives we nourished

And the days we cherished as kids

We let it whizz on by, but when I rewind

Your smile is the only thing that comes to mind

Your smile is the only thing that shines'

While looking for and through the lyrics I found out that Shing02 composed this with late (legend) artists Nujabes and Jeff Resurrecion in mind... It hit me differently.

Made me think. It hurts enough to think of a dead loved one... but there's comfort found in finality.

It hurts a lot more to think of someone who left, and doesn't want to be found.

'Life is art, a miracle for all to see

I must tell you that you lived beautifully'

Found In An Advanced State Of Recomposition

You know what... let's try something here.

Here's where I started, and I suppose that if it's still being maintained, I should probably keep going - Or, I should keep posting here, too.

Question is, should I keep posting here as I post on my 'main' page? No, I think I have other things I'd probably like to share here that should just stay here.

But I'm not really really starting now, because I'm out, and have other things to think about, other things to talk about.

With that said... stay tuned.

redirect

Hi folks. new stuff is at jblardizabal.com.

God bless you.

_________________________
jb.redeemed
email me at jibee@rocketmail.com.

May the Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord make His face shine on you and be gracious to you. May the Lord lift His countenance upon you and give you His Shalom. - Numbers 6:24-26