(Finish Line, Part III)
My mom and I had one rare moment; A clash of personalities, or a struggle determining whose pride was more unyielding. We had a verbal spat, and I just thank God that it's over with me having more respect for my parents.
Whenever someone comes to me lamenting ('complaining', more like) about how someone else seemed to exist to ruin his or her life, I always give the advice of releasing forgiveness. I learned this over one overnight prayer meeting and applied it to my former boss, to whom I was unable to control my temper - When I talked to her one on one, I went ahead and admitted to her that I had ill feelings against her, and I asked for her forgiveness before God. It may not have had an immediate effect, but I dare say that if that conversation never happened, I would have been left miserable.
So when my fight with my mom was settling down, and when realizations came into play, I went ahead and said the same thing to her. I apologized for things that I admitted were uncalled for, and then I used that line - that I had ill feelings against her, and I asked for her forgiveness. I was surprised, rather, caught off guard, when she asked me to elaborate. She thought that I had something against her for the longest time, and I had to assure her that what I said was for that particular incident, and for that incident only.
This tells me that if you push yourself too much to push a point, you'd better be ready to handle the drama that ensues. This so-called blog series I had in mind is one particular example.
In my point of view I see that what I originally planned as a declaration of how God was, is and will be with me in the one struggle that had the most bearing on me so far this year came out as directories to my previous blogs.
Now that I mention that, I see that the series came out as an affirmation of the way God worked on the faith I had in Him during those times I was down.
I personally find it interesting how God can communicate to you as you blog. Oh, praise Him.
Anyway. Around a few hours ago, I watched a video which presented an interesting point of view concerning happiness and how to get it. The lecturer presented barriers which prevented us from feeling true happiness, and one of them was envy. Now I wasn't aware of the actual pain and bitterness that envy can inject into a person until I've seen my chances for perfect lady after perfect lady being shot down by the fact that they had their ...perfect... men. I could recall how overly enthusiastic I was in paying attention to the video after that barrier to happiness was made known.
Eventually the lecturer presented what could be done to address envy. The first reason stated that I should realize that I don't know the whole story - that I don't know the possible sacrifices and the possible efforts to move heaven and earth executed for the person you envy to get whatever (whoever?) you envy them for. I was, and am still baffled by this. My imagination has brought me to thinking all sorts of things in the past, but for the life of me, I couldn't immediately determine what kind of situations these persons had to suffer through (if they even had to suffer for that matter) to get what(who) I envied them for.
Then I remember another barrier the lecturer presented - foolishness. Up until the starting words for this blog, I have been acting on what I felt for this issue. I couldn't remember the exact verse I saw connected to this, and as I was looking for it, I found this hit me harder:
"Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him."
- Proverbs 29:20
I spoke in haste, and oftentimes when this happens I speak out of what I feel without controlling the flow or what comes out in the first place. If that doesn't happen it seems as if I limit myself to what my imagination has in store for me, and this obviously leads me to making an assumption, known as the mother of all f*ck-ups. Perhaps these guys really did go through hell before getting to who I envy them for.
As I reflect on that last sentence I just mentioned, I feel quite grateful that God has given me yet another reason to love Him. This is how God demonstrates how sweet uncertainty could be - see, if I KNEW whatever happened prior to the relationships that these ladies had, one of two things could happen - I bitterly back down out of respect, or I lash out in proportional bitterness, selfishly and shamelessly decreeing that my expectations MUST be met. In other words, it would have fed my human pride, an attribute God hates.
I'm not assuming anything any more. God is in control, and if the best I could do is pray, you can bet that I'll be praying a storm. God has made me a better person through this trial, and He is showing that He is still working on me, proof of the fact that He loves me. He loves me as much as allowing me to live through pain in the path to true happiness that only He could provide.
In a crisis, a lot of people, including myself, tend to ask, "What do I do?"
I suppose the Proverbs of the Bible could give us insight.
Try it yourself. I will.
One more thing. Had I not been in the circumstances that God has allowed me to go through, I would not have blogged like this. If you find yourself alone, or if the problems that you have seem impossible to handle, too big to carry, I implore to you to seek God's kingdom.
I couldn't imagine what greater anguish and pain I would be in with this issue I had with Michel if I didn't have Jesus in my life. I wasn't exactly the perfect person I wanted to be, but God still worked in the background, and truly proved that He will NEVER leave me, He will NEVER forsake me. If God was with me through this pain of abandonment, this trial which lasted close to a year, He can definitely be with you and your problems. I say this even if I have no idea what your problems are, because I know for a fact that God knows, and God wants to help you.He loves you no matter how excruciating the pain feels. He loves you no matter how many times you fall. All you have to do is to go to Him, and the only way to get to Him is through Jesus, the Way, the Truth, and the Life.
It's not about how formal you sound. It's not about how clean you are. It's not about the thous and the thys that you say in one sentence. He gave you His life so that you, and everyone you love and everyone concerning the problems that you have, could be saved from eternal pain and death. It's about surrendering everything, EVERYTHING - your problems, your happiness, your burdens, your addictions - to Him. Talk to Him.
God bless you, God bless us all. These are truly times that we cannot afford to forget God.