an attempt at exhalation
without a camera
because I'm at work
and I'm pretty pissed
by Joseph Brent Lardizabal
A typewritten monologue
"I can't live in a world where you have everything and I have nothing"
- Guy Pierce, Count Mondego, The Count of Monte Cristo
Lamentations - A book of the Bible - What I plan to express today.
God forgive me if what comes out in sadness comes out in fury.
Fury out of anger out of hatred.
Hatred out of envy out of pride.
What pride I have left leads me to destruction,
but it's all I had for me for the greater part of my life.
God will provide, God will provide, and I shouldn't be so concerned
about what comes to me or what I need to ask for.
But the happiness I felt from the past links me to what life I had
before I pledged my allegiance to the man nailed to the cross.
The more I think about it, the more my heart is pressed that special way.
I just saw another opportunity for happiness held by another person.
And though this person had all the right intentions to smile for the camera
his eyes pierce through me, taunting me.
You got nothing.
And herewith is the struggle I am in right now
to look back in hate and pride is what I'm used to.
But the good in me through Christ tells me to turn the other cheek
which is more of something I'm expecting him to do when I slap him.
As of that last line what I've felt was hatred.
After a deep breath I feel what I've felt many times before
one feeling of helplessness which looks to anyone or anything for solace
The world seems a whole lot more real now that I see it
with all the many victims it's had before
it still is charming me with all its ways to ruin me completely
Dear God, I ask for help, and I implore
You
I just wanted to make that rhyme
I'm not running out of time
but I am running out of patience
and I know that I would lose
if by my strength I try to fight the lines mentioned by this whore
These lines that keep flashing in my head to live the life I've had before
To live the life that got satisfaction
at the click of a finger
at the cost of my soul
and the horrors untold
come after the deeds that I've done.
I'm going out to walk.
"Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants... He who has ears, let him hear."
"The one who received the seed that fell among the thorns is the man who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke it, making it unfruitful."
- Matthew 13:7,9,22
Worries of this life.
I suppose there are other things to lose sleep over.
I suppose this problem of envy that I have is one thorn among the many that have come.
Thorns.
Perhaps it's because I never threw the seeds in the right place in the first place.
This feeling of jealousy is a thorn.
And this thorn brings up the presence of other thorns, defining where the seed is at.
Should I take these thorns by the hand and throw them into the fire?
Should I bleed to rip them out of my system instantly?
I'm obviously not a good gardener.
"Early in the morning, as he (Jesus) was on his way back to the city, he was hungry. Seeing a fig tree by the road, he went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. Then he said to it, "May you never bear fruit again!" Immediately the tree withered.
When the disciples saw this, they were amazed. "How did the fig tree wither so quickly?" they asked.
Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."
- Matthew 21:18-22
Jesus knows the secret to gardening is faith.
Faith isn't something I have in abundance.
I wouldn't be typing this if I had faith.
Enough faith to look into that man's face, to tell him, "You may got something.."
"..But I have everything in God."
There is a seed.
I am the soil.
God is the gardener.
Time for some landscape work.