'You tell me that you care
but when I need you
You're never there'
-Cake, 'Never There'
So I see her again. She still looks great. It was like she never changed a bit, since the last time we talked.
Anyone else would have been happy. For some reason, seeing her (in Multiply, of all places) bypassed all of my defenses. So here I am in a coffee shop slash internet cafe slash convenience store slash restaurant, in a feeble attempt to shake this sunken feeling my heart feels, by writing about it.
If you've been following my blog closely, you've probably heard this a thousand times.
It's coming to close to a year since she left me. I thought she'd be happier. Part of what solace I felt came from this speculation. I thought whatever made her go was something worth leaving me for. She left me, and she left me like I was never nothing to her.
I could have been wrong. Though I've learned that some other dude is with her, I read in her blogs that she doesn't seem to be doing well. Her poetry was all dark, full of pain.
It makes me more frustrated. I want to talk to her more now than ever. I want to reach out, to help her. But I am scared that this might push her even further away from me.
And now I come back to the pain, the confusion, the frustration I felt when this all started. I'm hating myself and this world I live in for this grief.
It would be around this time that I would seek comfort, blindly calling out to God for guidance, for wisdom, for strength. Right now, I'm thinking, what's happening isn't all bad. I've been abstaining from all sorts of sin consistently, particularly that of smoking. Photography ascended to join writing as what I think would be constructive and beautiful means of release. I've grown to be closer to God through this trial.
I don't know why this pain is still here. I still want to talk to her. Anyone else could call this foolishness, but I couldn't figure this out for myself...
Life as it is so far this year has been an absolute rollercoaster in terms of patience. Many times I have been dragged to do things I never imagined I'd do. Many other times I have been told simply to wait.
I am reminded of 2 verses God revealed to me as I was trying to seek Him in this Michel incident.
Ezekiel 4.8
'And behold, I will place cords upon you, so that you cannot turn from one side to the other, till you have completed the days of your siege.'
Titus 1.5
'This is why I left you in Crete, so that you might put what remained into order, and appoint elders in every town as I directed you...'
In an attempt to integrate my photos with my blogs, I have determined to use a landscape shot of the Mines' View sunrise, for some reason. I recall that I took this after the overnight prayer meetings which turned out to be Godsends. Pastor Oscar was so kind to take us there.
I'd like to think of this position I'm in as a sunrise. Is it one signifying the fruits of the faith given to me? Or is it one simply saying I'm to stand up and fight another day?
Whatever it is, I feel better now. God will show me the way, especially now that I find no way. Truly, truly, Great is thy faithfulness, o God. I will keep writing about it until there is nothing to be declared, but victory.
'I’ll sing to You, Lord,
a hymn of love
for your faithfulness to me.
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You’ll never let me go
through it all.'
- Hillsong United, 'Through it All'
As I scanned through this article, I am reminded of certain small incidents here and there, that shine a light of hope in this situation. I take this as advice to walk in faith, and not by sight.
I'm sure you all have problems of your own. Seek His kingdom...
God bless us all.