Damn it, my retainers hurt like hell. So far the only benefit I see with these things is that I can eat hot food sooner. Oh, and with the right tone of voice I can sound like Marlon Brando.
I'm sorry, did I mention that my braces are out? Yeah. And it's true, by the way: Once your braces are taken out, the first thing you'll find yourself doing (after swishing your bloody mouth clean with water) is to feel those (nicotine-tainted) pearly whites with your tongue. Smooooooooooth. Mmm mm m. I was checking my braceless self out in every reflective car window I saw as i left the dentist. It looked like I was flirting with a Nissan Sentra. The hospital guard looked at me weirdly. Guess he was jealous that someone might take his beloved exhaust pipes (You know, they look like orifi.... nevermind)
Enough of my teeth. I'll be blunt (new word I'm using more nowadays, sounds better that 'frank' eh?) when I say that Solar Channel CANNOT be the 'Ultimate in Suspense and Action' when, in between Scripted-but-still-looks-pretty-damn-painful-wrestling a.k.a. WWE, they have enthusiastic commercials suggesting that I watch Spiderman and (get this) His Amazing Spiderfriends. It's a public irony, I tell you. The announcer sounds like he got his voice through frustrated masturbation, and the commercial script writer wants us to feel like USA is a really tough testosterone channel. The same way that the commercial script writer over at the oh-so-yuppie Entertainment Central wants us to feel like ETC is a really cool feel-good channel. I'd like to elaborate on how these channels blow, but there are just too many aspects and plain ol' things to mention.
Therefore, I advise them to take heed to Joseph Brent Songgadan Lardizabal's Universal Rule: IF YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL, YOU'RE NOT.
Plain and simple. Glad that's off my chest. Now why don't we have REAL reality shows out now? What jackass thought of Who Wants to Marry My Dad? I got a few suggestions that will top the ratings:
1. You want to see human emotion? Put those 'contestants' in the more festive areas. Here are some suggestions:
- Survivor: Iraq ('for immunity!')
- The Simple Life: Kosovo
2. You want really feel-good makeover shows? Don't barge into the life of a loser and make him a star! Try barging into the life of a star and make him a loser! Some examples:
- Wreck First
- Straight Eye for the Queer Guy
3. Dating Games? Put in REAL Blind Dates!
I'm sorry. I've been away for too long, no? Well, I'd like to know your opinion on my formulated Universal Rule. And let it be known that my song for that one person that God created for me to have a long and lasting relationship with would be Seal - Kiss From a Rose. Actually it's a tie between that and Al Green - I'm so in love with you.