What I was feeling yesterday was desperation, desperation to end my day satisfied with an achievement. These 'acheivements' may have differed in quantity & quality, but they all shared the same purpose of being contributory to my own feelings of fulfillment, which in turn led to adding up to the sense of peace I sought.

I thought that way of thinking was okay, but I thought otherwise after encountering the feeling of being empty in ideas & full in thoughts before, during, & after writing my previous blog. God made it clear that this idea was incomplete.

Like the stress that took away my voice, I thought I could sleep that disappointment off, but it seemed to still be there the next day... I was irritable and quick to make judgement, simply to blow people off before they encroached too far in the comfort zone I selfishly preferred to be in. I isolated myself in an attempt to get a hold of myself for just enough time to find out & expunge what was in my chest.

But it was still wrong... I couldn't shake off the fact that I was dropping everything at work to seek God's kingdom through attempting to write kanina. I ended up writing lines that were shallow & really didn't go anywhere... A result of additional frustration derived from the conflict generated by a conscience which went against what I thought was an immediate need. Simply put, my own prescribed way of getting peace of mind contradicted with the need to concentrate on my work. I was at the office, the last place God - or any other boss for that matter - would have wanted me to engage in... soul searching, I guess...

Thank God for breaks. I prayed & prayed to Him, going through what was in my mind, one distracting thought at a time . Now that I think of it, I was raising these things up to Him with my own concerns stirred in - this meant that I added declarations of thing that I would prefer to see. In other words, I raised these things up, but it appears as if I aimed for God's glorification AFTER my own peace - or, what I defined as peace.

Thank God for the lesson taught over at Victory. They started a series, with the premise that we only have 1 life to live, & we obviously have to make the most out of it.

"Surely a man goes about as a shadow! Surely for nothing they are in turmoil ; man heaps up wealth and does not know who will gather!"

- Psalm 39:6

After this was presented, it provoked me to think that I was doing what I was doing - from that last blog up to the praying - all that was just chasing my flawed notions & definitions of peace of mind. The next verse goes like this

"And now , O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you."

- Psalm 39:7

Uncertainties strike again, & they inflict that same unique strain of pain which I felt in equal, if not greater magnitudes during those times Michel was gone without a trace. I was not prepared to feel this restlessness again..

What am I to do during these confusing & ironically silent times?

"Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth ! "

- Psalm 46:10

I will be still...