Nobody is a stranger to pain. Based on experience, it's lingering pain without any clear solution that gets to me the most. Therefore, it's dealing with separation anxiety which is up there in my top 5 least desirable experiences. It's not that I actually have a list; but I can guarantee you that having a wisdom tooth extracted is also there. That's pure pain experienced simply because it has to be done. C.S. Lewis said it in the article I posted previously - "If you gave them (dentists) an inch they would take a mile."
Going back to separation anxiety, I understand that it just hurts like anything because there's always that pain of the possible pain of rejection. And when I say possible, I place stress also in the frustration which comes with uncertainty, especially if you do not know why the separation took place, and if you had no clear chance to speak.
You might be wondering, why am I talking about this? Let me bring these verses to your mind before I go any further:
"But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds."
"For the accuser of our brothers, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down. They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death."
With the impact of what is seen and heard becoming more and more shocking as we watch the world destroy itself in a dramatic and deceptive sea of filth and immorality, it is easy for us to get sidetracked in our own personal walks with Christ. However, in my own personal journey with the true King of Kings, I have also found out that it is easy to get up and keep walking when we fall. Most of the time we fall, it would involve a matter which does not involve much, but there are those particular instances that take us down to what we can call the deepest and most painful times of our lives. As much as these events leave us with our backs to the wall, and as much as these matters affect us, decisions have to be made. When these decisions have to be made, a soul without Christ can only rely on what his or her imperfect human body would feel. Hence, there is a significant risk of them making decisions which ultimately would bring them down even more.
I have been a Christian for quite some time now, and I have had my share of burdens which at the time of their introduction seemed impossible to bear. I praise God for the fact that He was able to fight my battles for me, and at times He has carried me away from my suffering. God has proven that He is in control and He will never let me go, time and time again. I have devoted this blog to a certain situation where I truly believe God's power has been demonstrated.
It has been a year since I had experienced the height of the pain associated to separation anxiety. I noticed that I keep terming it as such; It precisely describes what I felt, and I apologize if I drift away from its real meaning. Anyway, during the days of this trial I have made many wrong and stupid decisions, coming from a feeling of pride and selfishness that proclaims that I know what's best for me, and God doesn't. But as the desperate means of escaping the pain faded and as the sadness grew even stronger, I ended what needed to be ended, and I started what needed to be started. I quit smoking. I made a commitment to focus on prayer and God's Word. I started joining overnight prayer meetings, which helped me out immensely.
Despite all these acts, I still felt the pain. The Bible says that out of the mouth comes the overflow of the heart (Matthew 12:34, Luke 6:45), and my closest friends were privy to the misery I still felt despite all my efforts to be okay. My work ethics were shaken, and my boss at the time probably got the brunt of all the frustration I felt. God forgive me, and God bless her. She still approved my leave request for my trip to the States.
It seemed as if the Lord had put things in place prior to my departure last July. Things that had to end were ended, and things that had to be dealt with were brought to my attention. Oddly enough, there was one thing that, at the time I did not expect, was brought to my attention. Up until now I have been painfully trying to understand why Michel left me. I thought I was slowly getting where I thought I should be, until I did a random search for her. I found her, of all places, in Multiply. The pain which I have fought so hard to make dormant came back, and at an amplified state. Read more about it here.
I was at a loss regarding what to do. On one of my last days before leaving, I texted my good friends regarding my condition, asking for their prayers. I remember texting Pastor Poppo's wife too, and lo and behold, something that I never expected came up. She asked me when I could swing by their Cafe to have a chat with the man himself. At any other time, I would have considered this gesture as too extreme, but I was desperate. I set up a time, put everything else into order, and went to the Cafe.
Pastor Poppo was very late, but I am thankful for the time I needed to wait because apparently I needed to get everything I had to bring out together. I told him about all the good and bad details of the friendship we had. I brought everything out to him and eventually he overflow of emotions was still came at a rush I couldn't control, and I recall just telling him that I was at a lose-lose situation, I didn't know what to do, etc., etc., etc..
Through all this, the good pastor did not flinch. He asked me, so matter-of-factly, "What do you want?"
I told him that I wanted to talk to Michel again.
"What do you want to tell her?"
Ate Anne knew how much my heart is directed towards damsels in distress. I told Pastor Poppo that I wanted to extend my help, and I wanted to tell her how God's been working in my life while she was gone, in an effort to help her. I wanted to tell her how special she was to me, and how I couldn't take the fact that I see her suffer, when I could help her, or better yet, when I could tell her that God can pick her up as much as He did to me.
He told me to just write to her through Multiply. I remember (respectfully) balking at the idea, seeing as I felt enough pain already, and any more attempts to reach her will bring more pain. Now that I think of it, it's funny that I looked at the futility of the situation but I was still looking for help.
Again, in what I recall as a matter-of-factly way, he told me that I should do it, "As an act of faith", a line I will never forget any time soon. We prayed for each other soon after this, and I walked out of the Cafe.
The pain was still there, but now, there was hope.
**To Be Continued.. God bless you.**