I'm currently checking my email, trying to make a bet with myself. How many messages have made their way to my Inbox during my leave of absence I wonder. (Cue Banzai voice) Is it around 200? Is it around 300? Is it around 500? Betting Starts!
322 messages. Whoopee. I wish they could spare me some time to go through all this crap.
Anyway, I'm quite frustrated that despite my leave, I was unable to cook up a year-end report this 2007. They usually came in the form of stories: 2005 was all about the Circus Balloon Vendor, and 2006 was about The Visitor (The link is chronological, starting from the bottom). I still feel some of the frustration that I felt when I wrote for 2005, and I'm still having a hard time applying what I preached in the Visitor.
Hell, I remember taking a look at my previous blogs, and I recall telling myself that I've been wiser back then. Obviously, I've still had some struggles with swallowing whatever comes to test my faith.
We all know that everything happens for a reason. However, what I've learned this year is that you simply cannot expect the reason to accompany the situation at hand.
Have you ever had those moments where a thought suddenly smacks you in the head, and the feeling of enlightenment which follows just makes you want to keep that thought? I've had that moment a day or two ago. The thought involved supplements that which is already apparent.
In other words, Everything may happen for a reason, but you can't expect to know what that reason is right away.
2007 demonstrated that saying in all sorts of levels, most significantly over at work. There were so much changes, so many last minute revisions and events which could frustrate anyone who wasn't used to being as flexible as management demanded. I thought I was cool with everything that was thrown at me, but it turns out that I was more amiable and comfortable with doing a task as long as I understood why it was being done. I let things happen because I had an idea, a reason as to why they happened.
I learned that the flaw in this way of thinking is eventually you'd demand for some sort of rationale or explanation in even the most obvious tasks. When you wouldn't get an explanation at the time of execution, chances are you make one up. Imagination can turn to an ally at these points, right?
Wrong. As 2007 closed, I lost a friend whom I held very dear to my heart for reasons yet to be known. I humbly say that this situation has gone beyond my reasoning, and it has impacted what pride is left in me. She disappeared without a word, leaving me to speculate, to worry, to fear.
Perhaps most people can relate to me on this feeling. These sorts of situations create a hole in you that you would do anything to fill. The ravenous hunger for a reason, an explanation, or a rationale, combined with an imagination that you let roam, painfully makes this hole wider and deeper. It reaches a point where you become a slave to the torment and condemnation, in the sense that it occupies a great deal of your attention. It also makes you do so much filthy things that you never imagined you would do, and no matter how hard you cry, or how drunk you get, you would never be satisfied.
The choices you make as the hunger subsides is critical. Most people who listened to me as I related this situation told me to let it go. I would, but I felt that there would still be something missing in the puzzle... But thank God that He was with me as he always was. This verse comes to mind:
"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7
I cast my anxieties over Michel to the Lord. I'm not walking away, but I'm giving it to the One who has total control over it.
This sort of thinking is also helping me here at work as of the moment. The holiday season is slowly leaving, and as more and more people wake up to 2008, they go back to reality. Case in point: More and more people are calling in for technical support to work on the problems they've had over Christmas. This creates a whole wave of calls that the group of associates that we have here simply cannot manage at times. When that happens, the higher tiers (us included) have to help out in taking some calls.
I used to fear these situations. They would blast me out of my comfort zone in a heartbeat. The human hatred of change and the unexpected is truly made more significant at these times.
However, I found out that you can do without asking for a reason. I'm getting closer and closer to the realization that I am accountable to my superiors, who are in turn accountable to their managers... You can keep repeating that loop until you come to the realization that everyone is accountable to God. I go straight to Him in the sense that I raise all my anxieties to Him as I do what I am told.
With these two examples, I hope I was able to get to you too. Life meant to be out of control. This is where faith comes in.
So many times I've held back because of fear. This year I resolve to move away from my comfort zones more. I raise everything up to God.
Do you have some pain, some scars from 2007? Bring it all to God.
If I haven't told you yet, God bless you and all that concerns you this 2008.
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