The most painful memories are the lowest ones.
Ever have those unwanted flashbacks of events where you simply acted really really stupid in front of people who mean something to you? What do you do when one of these memories come back to your head? Am I the only person who just thrashes about (usually against the mirror) or blurts out the next stupid line that comes into my mind just to shake the previous painful event remembered away?
Many people I've talked to before are fond of saying that the past is past. I don't agree with that statement, nor do I disagree. When I'm in a really good mood, I can see those flashbacks as learning experiences. When I'm NOT in a really good mood, I see these unfortunate mental commercials as extra kicks to the stomach while I'm lying on the ground trying to contain the pain. When I'm in the overall and usual docile semi-lousy mood these memories are more capable of reminding me of this little fact of life: No matter how good life can get, things can still just up and fuck you. Pessimistic as it sounds, it's the truth that I'm facing now. As I recall, I wrote something about writing down what the more significant bad memories of the past days made me learn. Now I'm thinking that the only answer, rather, solution to these reruns is not to force yourself to learn, but to just let things slide and be ready for the next time.
And now I ask myself a question: Is it possible to have so many bad memories, and in effect so many events to look out for, that when they happen again you forget what to do? And in the spirit of that beautiful movie, "Me, Myself, and Irene", is it possible to isolate so many unfortunate events as to form a, say, 'opposite' personality?
I can say it's impossible. Or check that. BARELY impossible, in my case. However, perhaps the reason I have so much more garbage than daisies in my memory garden is that I don't take them out. And apparently I'm a sentimental guy in all things, even in garbage (That's definitely something I got from my mom). Generally, the only reason I throw something away is when I find no reason to keep it after a unconsciously performing a deep pre-tossing contemplation session, involving me asking myself a few questions regarding me and the object of concern. Most of the time I find myself keeping the thing when I answer 'no' (or 'nyet') to the question, "What did I learn, and therefore gain, from
So here I am. My backyard is full of garbage. Garbage like being forced to dance half-naked to the tune of that fucking cartoon, Mister Bogus. Garbage like dancing with two left feet or many other crappy moves in desperation for a girl. Garbage like taking on a guy 2 years younger than me to some beers and puking in defeat. Garbage like every single picture taken of me way back when I did not know how to smile correctly (and I think it's still a work in progress).
The list goes on and on...
..And recently, between the garbage and the daisies is a beautiful lady who i fell in love with before she up and told me, (and here we go again) "YOU NEVER HAD A CHANCE IN THE FIRST PLACE!".
In conclusion, let me say that I have a lot of bad things that come to my mind to torment me every now and then that I cannot get rid of until I'm sure that I got the moral of every one of those damned events. Thank God I still have the patience to hold them while I yearn to learn more about them. Could the philosophy of 'reduce, reuse and recycle' be applicable here?
Every day I pray to understand more about life. And garbage disposal can be another reason why I do it.
Thanks for reading till this far. Whoever thought of making blogs available to use for the common jackass is a genius. This is very therapeutic.