After hearing so much about the tsunami and how many people have been crying over dead relatives and ultimately lost lives, now we get to see mudslides in California and increasing bias over the local meningo stigma. January has just started, and already we're hearing a lot of bad things happening. Yeah, some of you probably know where I'm going: These are probably the signs of the times, the disasters that must come to pass before the Biblical Second Coming. Thinking about this gives me a combination of added frustration and reluctance. It also got me to think more and to reassess what I have to show for myself.
Bear with me for now, because this may sound a bit too diabolical, selfish, and, well, windy.
For a minimum of 4 years now I've been visualizing myself as an underdog, keeping a low profile, hoping and working for the day I rise above the people who have caused me harm during the past, where I can be in the position of humbling them the way they humbled me before. Believe me, this sounds more philanthropic than I intend it to be. In my opinion, it's satisfying in 2 ways: one, I'm to be in a happier ergo more forgiving state when I reach it, and two, I'm definitely in the winning side in all aspects no matter how they react when they see what I've accomplished. In other words, I'd be laughing at them like they laughed at me before, no matter what they do; whether it's kissing ass or shallowly rebuking what I have done in a pathetic attempt to keep their pride. That, ladies and gentlemen, was the totality what I wanted in life.
Now with everything that's happening, something is becoming more and more apparent: That day may never come. All that effort and enduring may be for nothing at all. Thinking in a different viewpoint, I've been enduring pain and putting effort in all that I do for the wrong reasons. Good Lord, I'm beginning to realize just now that I've been walking a road I thought was right, and now that I learn I'm taking the wrong way, I'm so frustrated. I thought vengeance and hatred were things of my past, but now it seems like they're still there, driving my life by affecting my motivation.
Back when I was reading the Purpose Driven Life, I learned that everything that ever happened to you in the past, whether happy or sad, were all in God's blueprint to create a unique you. Every choice you made had a reward or a consequence, but ultimately a lesson to learn. Back then, it was easier for me to look back on my consequences and misfortunes, and to let them slide. I took a notebook and remembered all these still fresh and painful memories, wrote them down, and tried to figure out what God wanted me to learn out of them. To tell you honestly, I didn't feel content. And now I just feel really helpless. The bitterness I felt then is fortunately reduced, but it's still there. And now I realize that the plan I have to make it up to myself is just selfish and plain unChristian. Sa ngayon, masama talaga ang loob ko, especially now that I've ended the schooling chapter of my life and I'm entering the real, REAL world now.
The only thing that's giving me hope now is the thought, no, the FACT that there's someone up there who made me and gave me all that I have, and since I accepted the sacrifice of His Son, I know that He cares for me, now matter how confusing it seems for me now. I may not have gotten what he wanted me to learn, but amidst all my lashing and hatred, I take pleasure in the fact that He's working in me, calling me to bow down to His perfect will.