The only reason why I choose to type right now is because I seriously have no idea about what I want, and what I should expect out of my future. There have been many instances in the past where blogging has pretty much assisted me in organizing whatever I have in my mind, and I intend to do that right now.
It's been a while since I last posted anything, and I wouldn't really know if that was a bad thing. There have been so much lessons I learned in the Sundays I've lived through since my last post, and though I'd like to think they've been extremely helpful and inspirational, they aren't of any help as of right now. This is because I've either forgotten all about them (and this is quite likely because I find myself to be so foolish to keep whatever I learned in the handout I get every time I attend a service) or I haven't had the chance to apply them.
I do not mean to bring anyone down, nor do I want to give anyone a bad name. My only trouble, my only question is that if I have truly listened during these life-changing moments, why am I typing like this right now? If life is such a beautiful thing, then why am I not feeling what the rest of the world is? Have I become so desensitized to life to appreciate it?
There's something seriously wrong here, and I intend to find out what it is.
We've been talking about dreams and their potential in the last service I attended. I found out that it is actually a lucrative opportunity for us to define our futures. It's been proven by great people in the recent past, as well as people in the Bible too.
Few to no people know me as Joseph. Joseph of the Bible had so much dreams which came true. I don't necessarily share his enthusiasm in that regard.
Why, Joseph?
Stop. Brent is fine.
Anyway, yeah, I don't think I am as enthusiastic as he was when he dreamt. Incognito has a song entitled Change, and although they probably have the intestinal fortitude to include the bold words 'Bring on the change' in the chorus of their song, I wouldn't know if I would sing along with them.
Too many times I've had sudden changes ruin my plans, if not cause extreme frustration.
People tell me that I'd do a lot better if I improved my time management skills. I try, really I do. I know it requires some scheduling. And most often than not, these schedules are NEVER followed because I'm sidetracked by other concerns which come up in a split second.
So I was just thinking, if my schedules are gonna be wrecked anyway, what purpose do I serve in planning? And in that regard, what satisfaction do I get in dreaming?
Watching the news, or reading the paper doesn't help. I tried talking to total strangers in the hope of possibly learning something that I wouldn't swallow from an acquaintance, and what do I get? Nothing. Maybe placed into a worse situation. If I recall, I tried getting acquainted with a certain person with the purpose of letting all my frustration out. Little did I know that she was in a worse situation than I was. I tried talking to taxi drivers - and I had some success in the past. Seriously, you wouldn't believe the wisdom that some of these guys have. But recently I found that fruitless too. Not unless hearing about another taxi driver getting held up at noon in your neighborhood was beneficial.
I thought I'd grow up to make up for all the waiting, the procrastinating, and the frustration in holding back countless times. Now I find myself in a world which gives me no reason to dream.
Step down and be taken advantage of.
Step up for a price.
Stay where you are and fall prey to those who wish to step up.
Leave the system and starve.
Distract yourself and die.
End it all and wake up in Hell.
If it isn't a torturous stalemate, it's an inevitable loss.
******
It never fails. It seems that I found out where the problem is. I'm doubting the God that put me here in the first place. My faith in the God that breathed life into me has faded.
There has to be some hope somewhere, and I intend to find out where it is. Ecclesiastes comes into mind.
Are you feeling something familiar to what I'm feeling? Go back to the manual: The Bible.
Pardon me for a moment. God bless you and keep you till next time.