It's been a while since I posted anything here, and I guess circumstance has been grateful to give me not only the time, but the motivation to come up with something really substantial. For that I am thankful.
I have many reasons to be pissed nowadays.
First, it's the lingering fact that over at work they keep changing my schedule from one ungodly hour to the other with significant differences on a rapid (weekly) basis, leaving my schedules and my commitments in limbo.
Then there's the constant fear of being watched and observed for any possible reasons to be fired by a higher higher position person. What hits me more is that through hearsay and mere observation, this supposed person lacks the competence and corresponding intestinal fortitude that would earn my confidence, much less my respect.
Another thing that I can be pissed at is the observation that a woman that I loved and still have some feelings for may not be bullshitting after all, considering a small yet overwhelming fact revealed to me at the wrong time two or three years ago.
Going back to work. Another thing that can piss me off is the hopeless picture the future brings for the account I work with.
I can be pissed at my schedule.
I can also be pissed at the possibility that I might be handling a new group of greenhorns after the current group I have now, victims of the demand for quantity over quality.
Then, of course, there's the thought that these things keep me on a thinking level rather than on a blogging level, keeping me from updating this place. There have been a few nice blogable ideas that passed by my head a couple of times between today and the last time I posted, some to be recovered, some possibly forgotten forever.
All this pressure made me tell some of my closest friends at work that I might resign come this October, if things don't shape up. My self esteem is down, and by the way, I always have had trouble defining what would increase my self esteem. On the way home I figured it out.
I remember that what I wanted before was (quote) absolute social dominance (unquote). My mind did not change, nor did my face make any extra movements when a thought arrived which was both more compatible to what my self esteem wants, and a component to this pice I have today.
It may apply to you, so I'll say
Self Esteem demands that you be legendary.
That definitely applies to me.
Then I think about the items above. What gives me the balls to say that I should be pissed with them? Ano nga ba?
A friend of mine was given a shirt that says 'Always Available' in front. Now we picked fun on that shirt and its bearer for quite some time. There's a different way of looking at it, though, and I thank God for Pastor Poppo for pointing it out during the service three quarters of an hour ago. This was in accordance to the 40 Days of Purpose (if you haven't heard of the 40 days of purpose, I suggest you buy and read The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren), and he was discussing what I think was the final directive which was to Serve God By Serving Others.
He went on by saying that Jesus was a role model to follow in serving others, and the first factor that was discussed was that serving like Jesus means being available.
At the time, the majority of people were probably nodding their heads in agreement as they took notes, but I could probably say that the conviction of being hit by that message was causing my eyes, my mind to burn with more interest. See, I haven't exactly been the poster child of being available in the challenging environment I have to face over at work on a near-daily basis. I've been slacking off, acting carefree over the fact that I can say that I did my job, and fuck you if you didn't. Recently I did not care if other people suffered when they screwed up simply because I have my own problems, my own job to do. In fact, I guess the reason why I was hit hard by that message was because I never liked being interrupted. And then he said it so plain-and-simply, "Be ready to be interrupted".
Being interrupted means being away from your comfort zone. Was Jesus in His comfort zone when, as He was walking, two blind men suddenly pleaded for Him to make them see? I mean think about it. There could have been a million things in His mind that could have been interrupted by two men asking for His help. But scripture tells us he stopped and healed them.
Now, I imagine myself in the office, worried about making my daily quota and probably a few other things (see the list above for examples), when an agent interrupts me asking for help. Based on feedback I give this really hateful and spiteful stare before actually talking, and usually when I talk it's just for them to fuck off while I work.
I'm not God, I know. But now I choose to embrace interruption, be it against my emotions right now, in the purpose of serving God by serving others.
I choose to embrace interruption, be it against my emotions right now, in the purpose of righting wrongs and learning things.
I choose to embrace interruption, be it against my emotions right now, to surpass the demands of my self esteem by experiencing the thrill of being used by God.
God Bless you all. I pray as early as now that April, and the rest of the year, would be good. Again, God bless you all. Till next time.